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Faith Multiplied

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           I have this quirky habit of defining words in my head. I’m not sure when I started doing this. It is one of those unconscious tendencies. If I hear someone say an interesting word, it doesn't even have to be a difficult word; I’ll make up a definition.

Perfection: noun. Flawless clarity. Complete. Needing no improvement.
Insane: adjective.  Not sane. The inability to reason or logic.
Sycophancy: noun. The act of flattering for self gain.
Rebellion: noun. Intentional defiance of authority.

            Well, you get the picture. There has to be someone out there who has this ridiculous habit as well! Maybe I have just taken my OCD to a new level. I took a personality test a few years ago. This particular one separated the personalities into four groups: Perfectionist, Fun, Control, and Laid-back. The mediator stressed over and over how if you score more than a hundred points in one group then you are considered a strong personality.

            I took the test trying to be as honest as possible. When I got it back I nearly croaked. I scored 201 in perfection! 201! Strong doesn’t even come close. Obsess much? I’d like to try and convince you that this is a good quality, but who am I trying to fool? This is a serious flaw that continually prevents me from trusting the Lord.

            It is like I am crawling forward on a frozen lake inch by inch trying to test if it will hold me. All the while not noticing a Hummer joy-riding on the same lake!

            I was reading in Mark chapter 6 where Jesus fed the five thousand with five loaves and two fish. This was no small miracle! I don’t know how the disciples rationalized this event as anything but an act of God, but it seems that they did. Because, a couple of days later (Mark 8) the disciples are wringing their hands fretting that they had forgotten to bring bread with them on their journey.

            They had one loaf for twelve people. Can’t you just picture Peter scratching his head saying, “Duhh…what are we going to do? We have thirteen people here and only one loaf. Now we’re in the middle of the lake and we don’t have anything to eat!” How long-suffering Jesus is. He actually had to remind them of the miracle! 

           What was curious to me was how Jesus went about performing the miracle of the five thousand. He first asked them for what they had. Then, he told them to sit down in groups. He blessed the bread and gave thanks for the miracle. The people sat down....because you sit down when you eat. The bible says that only those that were sitting were fed.

            Interesting, isn’t it? Those that were waiting in expectancy after they had given all they possessed to the Lord were satisfied. The people gave what they had in trust and then sat down waiting in faith. We first have to give it over. Imagine what faith it took for that boy to hand over his two little fish. We may not have a ton of faith, but if we ask the Lord to bless it, it will multiply. 

Faith: noun. Confidence or trust in a person or thing.
Trust: noun. Confident expectation of something, hope.

            I have found that a lack of faith/trust in the Lord can lead to rebellion, and rebellion can remove us from God’s covering.

           

            I don’t know why I feel like I should share this, and I can’t believe I’m going to. Our first inclination when we are ashamed about something is to hide it. It is the easy thing to do…and maybe even the politically correct thing to do. I choose to boast in my weakness and the fact that love covers sin and Christ is love. 

            A few years before I married Drew I went through a season in my life where I made one bad choice after another. I was out of control and had no idea how to stop it.

            I found myself in a relationship with a Muslim. Believe me when I say I didn’t go from being a committed Christian who loves God to being in a serious relationship with a man who openly confessed his Islamic roots overnight. However, it was one rebellious decision that led me down a spiral of sin.

       Continued on Monday January 30th

Stand at the Quarry and Shout

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           I've had one of those weeks where you feel like pulling your hair out and running from the building. I can break it down into one word that would give you plenty of images of what my week was like. Teething. Countless times during each day I had to call out to God and ask him for grace so I don’t end up with twenty-five to life! By the end of the week I felt like I had been in a war-zone dodging flying sippies and maneuvering through a landmine of toys. All I can say is God bless whoever invented cartoons!

           

            Somehow during the madness of this week I was able to have a phone conversation with a close friend of mine. Granted, it was in five minute spurts over the course of a whole day, but it was the first real adult conversation I had all week. I ended up unloading all of my frustrations to her, the poor woman. We were talking about disciplining a two year old. She said something that I thought was so wise and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

            She said, “Remember, when you are disciplining William you are not only teaching him to be obedient to you, but you are also teaching him to listen and be obedient to the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit does not shout….he whispers. He needs to learn to hear you the first time.”

           

            She thought we were talking about my son, but I think the Lord was trying to tell me something through her. I have been so busy shouting at the Lord telling him I need his grace to get me through this week that I haven’t been able to hear him. She is absolutely right…the Holy Spirit whispers. The Lord is more patient than me, however. He will wait at as long as it takes to get your full attention and for you to be obedient. I have been calling out asking for God to speak to me all the while drowning out his voice.

           

            A long time ago I read a book called Is That ReallyYou God? by Loren Cunningham. The only thing I remember about the book was that it said, 'If you are having a hard time hearing the Lord, go back to the last thing he told you. Ask yourself if you have been obedient.' I thought long and hard about this. What was the last thing I heard from the Lord? Then, I got it. Out of the blue I remembered what God told me to do, and then the sinking feeling as I realized I didn’t do it.

            I know that there can be a plethora of reasons why we aren't obedient to God’s calling, but one of the biggest reasons why I am disobedient is insecurity. I always think there is someone who is more talented, more equipped, or more knowledgeable. Guess what…who cares! So what if someone could do it better? There is no competition in the body of Christ! Competition comes from a spirit of comparison, and THAT is not from God. The Lord doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called. Trust in the fact that he knows exactly who you are….and he chose you.

            So many times we miss out on opportunities because we let insecurity keep us for accomplishing God’s will for our lives. We will never experience God’s supernatural power or provision if we are too insecure to trust him or too worried about looking foolish. Think about Noah. He built an ark in the desert before one drop of rain had ever touched the earth.

            “They chased the Israelites from the city gate as far as the stone quarries and struck them down on the slopes. At this the hearts of the people melted and became like water.” Joshua 7:5

           

            I realized after reading this verse that our insecurity doesn’t always have to be in who we are, but sometimes it’s about where we are.         

           

            The Israelites were backed up against a deep quarry. A giant hole behind them and an army in front of them! One false step and they could have been free-falling into a black abyss. The Israelites had every right to feel insecure about where they were at!

            It is curious, however, that after all the miracles the Lord had done for them, they still gave up the fight. This was after God delivered them from slavery, parted the red sea, made sweet water in the desert, gave them manna, and sent quail in the desert! All those miracles and they still didn’t trust God to deliver them. I can’t help but think that it wasn’t God’s will that they were struck down at the quarry.

            We may not be skipping along the edge of a quarry, but we may be teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, our marriage may be on the rim of divorce, or we may be spiritually on the rocks. Insecurity in where we are financially, in our marriage, or spiritually can cause us to be disobedient to God's purpose.

            I asked myself why the Bible phrased it like that. Why were their hearts like water? What is it about water? Then, it occurred to me that water has absolutely no resistance. It conforms to any vessel permeating its every part. The Israelites unreservedly gave themselves over to insecurity and fear. One wonders what would have happened if they didn’t. What glorious miracle could they have added to the long list of God’s provisions?

            What opportunities and experiences have I missed out on because of my failure to feel secure in God’s supernatural power and provision? What could I have added to the already long list of things that the Lord has done for me if I had been obedient to God?

            I guess the root of the problem is that we are insecure in God’s provision, protection, love, and purpose for us. If we were secure in the Lord’s omniscient power, we would stand at the quarry of our lives and shout, “Do your worst and watch how my Savior delivers me!”

So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend

      

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      First up, So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. Love this book! I normally burn through a book like a hot fuse on dynamite, but this one I have been reading in small doses. It has me thinking...praying. I love how she brings to light the insecurities behind our crazies. It is ridiculous what we women will do out of insecurity! It will down right make a fool out of us. Don't worry if you don't have a copy of this book. Beth Moore has generously put an audio version for free on her website. Grab a cup of coffee and tackle that mountain of laundry while you listen. You can get to the first chapter here or at OnePlace.com > Living Proof Ministries > Broadcast Archives > July 19, 2010.

Audrey's Book Club

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     I love to read! Since I was a kid I have had a stack of books next to my bed. I can't tell you how many times that I have wanted to discuss with someone a particular scene in a novel, an interesting point in an inspirational, an incredible story in a biography, or a poignant phrase in the bible. I have called my sisters on numerous occasions saying, "Read that book!" Being a wife and mother, it is nearly impossible to join the elusive book club. I thought to myself, why not have an online book club? So here it is! Tell me what you loved. Tell me what you hated. Tell me what you want to read next.

Where the Snake Goes it Grows

   


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         Have you ever heard a sermon that you felt was written for you? Your heart starts pounding and you don’t quite want the pastor to look at you because you feel he might see right through to your soul? Last Sunday, I heard such a sermon. Every time I feel like God is trying to teach me something I end up hearing the same ‘message’ over and over. I guess I’m a slow learner. He needs a megaphone to get it through my thick skull. I finally had my ‘Aha’ moment on Sunday. Our pastor was reading out of Joshua 7. He was talking about how the Israelites were getting their butts kicked by Ai’s men. His main point was that the Israelites became content in the things of the Lord and that is why they were being defeated. They stopped pressing into Him. Eventually, there were things in their lives that made them ‘liable for destruction’ (vs. 12). The Lord told them to consecrate their hearts so that they can stand against their enemies.

      “Go, consecrate the people. Tell them, ‘Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow; for this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: There are devoted things among you, Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove them.” (Joshua 7:13)

      I was thinking about how easy it is to become content and complacent. News flash! We are in a spiritual battle! We will always be in one until the Lord comes. I think the enemy wants us to become comfortable with our lives and our walk with Christ. We stop pressing into the Lord. Stop needing Him. This is exactly where I have been recently. I got comfortable with where my relationship with Christ was. Before I knew it I forgot what it was like to really love Him. It’s like a marriage. How long could you be complacent about your marriage before it suffers? I would be upset if Drew went one day ignoring me! This sermon reminded me of a dream that I had a couple of years ago. Normally I don’t put much stock in dreams, but this one was so thought provoking I haven’t forgotten it.

            I dreamed that my husband and I were getting ready for bed when I found a snake in our house. I quickly went to Drew and told him what I had found and asked him to remove it.

            He nonchalantly replied, “Its fine. I’m tired. I’ll get it out later.”

            We were both exhausted after a long day, so I didn’t think there was any harm in waiting. The next day we were walking beside our house when I saw a hole going underneath the house. I showed Drew the hole and said, “Look Drew! That must be where the snake got into our house. We need to kill it!” He walked up to the hole and told me it was just an innocent, little snake. While we were discussing it, the snake moved. I watched as it slithered to Drew’s feet. While it moved around his feet it began to grow. Soon the snake was wrapped around him.

            I yelled at him, “Drew, get that thing off of you!”

            He replied, “You are overreacting. It’s harmless. If I just stay still, it will go away.” The snake was so big now it wrapped around his entire body. It started to squeeze him. I watched helplessly as Drew struggled to breathe.

            I looked at the snake’s big head and said, “What are you doing? Jesus Christ crushed your head. You don’t have the authority to do this!”

            The snake looked back at me with a smirk and slurred, “Yes, but he doesn’t know that.”

            I was taken aback. Angry and panicked, I quickly looked around for something to get the snake off. Drew was turning blue. I finally noticed a sword in my hand. It was double edged having a cross at the point. I swung the sword down onto the snake with all my might, but the sword bounced off. I tried again and again.

            The snake laughed and sneered, “You haven’t sharpened your sword in awhile, have you?”

            I was filled with dread and horror. Fearing that I was going to lose Drew I cried out a prayer.

            The snake yelled at me, “Stop that! Stop doing that!”

            Shocked and encouraged that it distressed the snake I started to pray more fervently. The snake cursed me and squeezed Drew harder, but it was shrinking. The snake threw every insult at me pointing out my every insecurity. I kept praying. The snake called out and I saw a great many creatures coming towards me growling and sneering. I was terrified. I cried out to God asking him for His shield of protection. I expected to receive a metal arm shield that I would hold as I tried to fight off the creatures with my short, dull sword. However, the second I called out for His shield of protection a white dome covered me on all sides keeping the creatures from me. I fell to my knees in relief, and prayed for Drew with renewed vigor. Then, I woke up.

            I may have been the one holding the sword in my dream, but in reality I feel like I’m having the life squeezed out of me. My complacency has opened holes in my life for all sorts of distractions. Neglect of God’s word has left me fumbling as I try to wield it. I have mistaken Satan’s lies for truth. I have foolishly laid down my fight believing that sin will just ‘go away.’ But no more! I’m so thankful that our God is merciful and patient. That all I need to do is call on the name of Jesus and I am covered by his love, forgiveness and protection!

It Starts...

   

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        My day starts with a two year old waking me up by getting three inches from my face yelling, "Mommy!" My son William has two volumes, loud and louder. I usually roll out of bed with one eye open (the one William is holding open) and my body screaming for coffee. Yes, you guessed it....I'm THAT woman. You know, the one you see in the grocery store with the screaming kids. The one trying to load items onto the belt, pulling them out of who knows where, while her kids play tug-of-war. The store manager is running after her waving whatever the kids dropped 'this time' in the air.
  Yup...that's me. Just last week I ran out the door and was getting in the car before I realized I had my slippers and house coat on! Appalling...I know. I don't know how I became that woman. I used to have my stuff together! Oh, I can remember very well those days when I wouldn't leave the house without a pair of heels, lipstick and my hair blown out. The dispensable income. *sigh* One day I was an educated, composed woman with a career and the next day I'm sitting on the floor in a robe, disheveled ponytail, elbow deep in poo and two kids hanging on me. I feel like I'm in some kind of weird time warp where days fly by so fast but blur into each other. I'll talk to someone 'on the outside' thinking it's been five minutes but for them it's been fifty years. lol
  It's not all bad, though. There are little glimpses in the blur where my baby girl smiles at me and everything around me seems to fade. Times when William makes me laugh so hard I cry. Times when I have so much joy my chest hurts. But for the most part I have to fight tooth and nail for my 'sanity breaks.'
  Somewhere along the way, I'm not exactly where, I feel like I lost my way. Lost who I am as a person....as a woman. It is not the lack of income or freedom that has me feeling lost but the lack of confidence. In its place is a plethora of insecurities and fear. I have no idea where that high-powered, confident woman went!
 Worst of all, I feel like my relationship with God has suffered. I no longer get excited to read His word. I don't feel like I hear the Holy Spirit anymore. Christians call it the 'desert'. Worry and doubt have plagued me. They nag at me like May flies on a hot day. I'm ashamed to say that an unanswered prayer has caused bitterness and resentment to bite into my heart. As a once devoted Christian woman this grieves me. It feels like I've lost my best friend. I want to stomp my feet and say, "enough is enough!"
   So, in a way that is what I am doing. This is a new year, and I plan to make this the year of the Lord. I'm committing to seeking Him with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength. I want to know Jesus more. Not because I want something. Not because I need guidance, direction, child or whatever reason I sought Him for before. No, I want to seek the Lord for no other reason BUT to know Him more. I want to fall in love with my Savior again. I invite you to share this journey with me. This year I plan on sharing my devotional, a story, or just thoughts about what God is teaching me. This invitation is a vulnerable one because I'm going to be as honest as possible. I'm putting myself and my faith out there for all to see. Yikes!